Rants and Raves

The Push and Pull

I hate this feeling. That sick, gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach you can’t shake. That feeling of doubt and insecurity. That feeling of dark thoughts consuming you and you have no strength to fight it. 

How can he look at me with so much longing and love one day then make me feel so unimportant the next? Why does he choose to remember the things that are important to me only when it’s convenient? Is it because he doesn’t want to spoil me so he acts like he’s forgotten that this day is something i’ve always looked forward to? Is it because he doesn’t love me as much as he says he does? No matter what, it’s unfair because I’ve waited for this day for as long as i can remember.

 Our 6th had to be special. I wanted to go somewhere beautiful. I wanted it to be memorable and perfect. I wanted to go out and see a movie or go to a beach and play in the sun. Anywhere but the places we usually go to. I wanted to go somewhere and hold hands like a real couple without a care in the world. I wanted others to see us as a couple. I wanted to cater to him, cook for him, clean for him. I wanted to make him feel how it would be if he picked me. I wanted to play pretend wife for a day. 

Well that was too big of a wish. I should have known so I shouldn’t feel heartbroken. I shouldn’t feel disappointed. But i am… so much so that i seriously thought about not seeing him at all today. I’m probably overreacting. Scratch that, i know i am. He did notice i wasn’t myself. He did try to make ammends. But all my excitement about today vanished into thin air and all that was left was a need to make him feel guilty and hurt, that even if he was listening now, even if he wanted to make up for earlier today – i didn’t want to concede. I didn’t want him to win this time. I wanted him to feel as bad as i did. To what end, i ask myself? Well, the dark scorpio in me knows that it’s for the satisfaction of .. 

  • Winning because most of the time i don’t. 
  • Knowing that i can push back too. 
  • Gaining back some pride i’ve lost along the way
  • Making him do the work this time
  • Smiling from ear to ear later if he does something unexpected even if it is out of guilt or remorse
  • Feeling how important i really am to him
  • Making up after a big fight
  • Forcefully making him remember how much he loves me

But will he feel those things? Will this work to my advantage or to my detriment? 50-50 chance. But it was a risk i was strong enough to take today — so i am. Because i know i will always love him more. Because i know i will always need him more. Because i know that i can give up everything for him and he won’t ever do the same for me. Because i know i am doomed to lose the war in the end anyway. Because i know he’ll break me in pieces when it all ends. Because i know he will never leave her and he will never ever be mine. 

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